The Toxic Love Affair Mama Warned You About.
Different people have different definitions of a toxic relationship. Some ladies define a toxic relationship as one that doesn’t cater to them financially. Well, I do not belong to this school of thought but I totally get it if you do.
In my own opinion, a toxic relationship is one that doesn’t give you the freedom to be yourself. For instance, if by virtue of your personality you are a very opinionated person and you find yourself in a relationship with someone who expects you to follow every word they says like gospel then that relationship is not good for you.
Please, it is worthy of note that being yourself here does not imply you being bad with impunity. For instance, if you are a ‘harmless flirt’ you don’t have to flirt with a member of the opposite sex in front of your partner and say “well, i am just being myself” because in this case you are not. You are being out-rightly disrespectful to your partner and that’s not cool.
Another kind of toxic relationship is a relationship with someone who is still in love with the ex. This relationship is toxic because there is so much comparison involved. When you are in a relationship with someone who is still in love with the ex, every of your action is judged using what the ex would do in the same situation as a yardstick. It gets worst when you become aware of the situation—that your partner is still in love with the ex. if you are not strong enough to walk away, then you will find yourself living in the shadow of your partner’s ex, a feeling of inferiority complex begins to set in. Gradually, you start losing yourself; everything that you are known for begins to fade away.
Let me call the ex Mr. /Miss A.
Mr. / Miss A is a wild and extroverted kind of person. You on the other hand is an introverted and cultured kind of person. Eventually, you start dyeing your hair and drawing tattoos all over your body just to look as wild as the ex. But the truth of the matter is, you can never play this part as good as the ex does. Because to you, you are acting a role, while the ex is just living their life. How easy is it to live your life? Very easy! What this entails is that, you will be competing with a ‘ghost’, someone who probably doesn’t even know you exists.
Some people are still struggling with the hangovers from their previous experience. They are yet to get closure. Such people, in new relationships, are not actually looking for love. Rather, they are looking for validation. Because a sinking person would hold on to anything just to stay afloat.
This situation is like that of a fish that is being removed from its natural aquatic habitat—water, and left on a terrestrial habitat—land. It might survive for a while after which it will die due to physiological stress.
A relationship with someone who is still in love with the ex is a classic example of a toxic relationship that brings nothing but heartbreak in the long run.
A folly that some of us are guilty of is believing that whenever the phrase ‘abusive relationship’ is used, it only implies physical and/or emotional abuse.
Do you know that being deprived of whatever you are entitled to in a relationship is a form of abuse? Some of the things you are entitled to in your relationship include: love, trust, money, sex, loyalty etc.
You can not be in a relationship with and you look me in the face and tell me you don’t trust me. That is an abuse.
Relationship is about partnership; so you cannot be in a relationship with someone you love, but at the same time friends with their enemy. That is disloyalty to partnership and that’s a classic form of abuse.
Another folly that some of us are guilty of is that sexual abuse only implies rape. When you are in a sexual relationship with someone and that person deprives you of sex that is an abuse.
Recently, I heard a story about a man who would rather masturbate and moan loudly while at, in the bathroom, before going to bed rather than get down with his wife every time they quarrel. What could be more disrespectful and abusive that?
The truth is: a lot of sociopaths are still in the closets. So you cannot expect such people to come all out and get physically abusive on their partner. Instead, such people have reverted to the other forms of abuse which are still oblivious to or unrecognized by a reasonable fraction of the society.
Another kind of toxic relationship is a relationship that does not respect your potentialities or a relationship that reduces you— always places other people like, friends and family, above you.
Some men still go to their mother or even friends for advice first before going to their wives. And I think that that is wrong on so many levels.
A relationship where your opinion does not count or a partner who considers your advice as tasteless, hence, takes it with a pinch of salt, is neither good for your self esteem nor for your mental health.
We all have been in toxic relationships at one point in our lives, because toxic people are everywhere.
People stay in toxic relationships for different reasons. But before you make that call, remember that 70% of your life’s happiness and success is dependent on the people you surround yourself with.
Finally, I would like to state that some people don’t want to be alone. This is the reason why a lot of people remain in toxic relationships. Of course, you cannot tell your heart whom to love and you cannot stop your heart from loving whom it has chosen to love. But you can guide it to the right people, and away from toxic people. It’s your call.